20 Questions to Help You Decide How Much Power You Have in Your Relationship
Occasional clashes and conflicts between couples are inevitable. However, when this conflict is one-sided and our partner’s behavior is demeaning and hurtful it is time to stop and take stock.
If we are experiencing abuse from a partner, blame goes with the territory. If our partner blames us for causing his toxic behaviour, and combines this with other gaslighting behaviors designed to confuse us, it won't be long before we are doubting ourselves and accepting far too much responsibility for the relationship problems.
Sometimes it is difficult to define who is responsible for what. As women, we are socialised to take responsibility for relationship difficulties. Therefore, we may too readily blame ourselves for problems.
While taking responsibility for our own behaviour is a vital step towards healthy relating, taking the blame for the other person's harmful behaviour is inappropriate and destructive.
A crucial first step in dealing with abuse is to clearly identify it. To gain some clarity about the underlying dynamics within your conflicted situation take some time to assess the balance of power by reflecting on the following questions.
Questions to Consider
Who does most of the giving and who does most of the taking in this relationship?
Who instigates most of the disagreements?
Who has the final say on decisions about most issues?
Which person's needs, wants and opinions are given the most importance, and are most often catered to?
Who controls the finances and other resources?
Who do you think is the most dominant person in the relationship?
Do you most often find yourself in the role of 'winner' or 'loser' at the end of arguments?
Who has the strongest verbal presence?
Who has the strongest physical presence?
Who is controlling who in this relationship?
Who is the most confused and self-doubting?
Who is the most fearful?
Do you need to defend yourself against your partner’s hurtful behaviour?
Whose confidence and self-esteem is declining (if anyone’s)?
Whose life is shrinking (if anyone’s)?
Who is becoming isolated from other people (if anyone)?
Whose mental/ emotional/ physical health is suffering the most?
Who has been injured (if anyone) in the past?
Are you afraid for your physical safety?
What insights have you gained from these questions?
© Copyright Kay Douglas.
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“. . . the most supportive, realistic, and practical guide for abused women that I have encountered. Outstanding!"
- Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?